Mockery

I feel like everything bright and creative
Mocks me through the shimmer of tears
My mouth is dry and my stomach in knots
Can't focus my eyes no matter how hard I try
I feel too full and yet too empty
All at the same time and it's driving me mad
I want to rant and rave while I curl up
And simply give in quietly
My heart beats so rapidly but feels
Like it's not beating at all
Each slow thump reminds me
Of another minute passed in this
Unbearable emotional hell
What good is a voice if the only
Noise it can make is a strangled scream
What good is a heart if it can barely beat
These tears demand release alongside
This rage buried inside
I can't express it all so I lock it away
Slowly it will build inside me
Until parts of it find a way out
But inside it will stay
Never to be seen or heard by anyone
Until I can't hide it away anymore
And it comes bursting out of me
Straight into my pillow
Safe away from anyone else
The only one who should see it never will
Ain't that the biggest ______ of it all